Melissa Botts
by lupinsgrl
Summary: First few chapters parody of Harry Potter and the Sorcerors Stone. What exactly is it in the life of a Turtlezits student? read n find out! rr!
1. Intro

A/N: HI! *smiles*  
  
Disclaimer: So far I own everything in this tale.in later chapters. I own nothing!(  
  
Our story begins with a girl, named Kelly and her psychotic cat. Now, the reader is probably thinking "Psychotic? Cat?...Why?" well..read this fanfic. As I said before this has to do with a girl named Mellissa, who wasn't so normal. "FLY LIKE A BIRD! FLY LIKE A RAVEN!" Mellissa shouted as she skipped down the hall. Picking her nose. Suddenly, she sprouted wings and began to fly around. Picking her nose. Things like this had been happening for a while now. She already had eight eyes. And she once became invisible and had the sudden urge to watch someone in their room. Mellissa lived with her evil step-mother, Pitootie Pursley, who liked to boss her around, and pamper Mellissa's foster father. How mellissa came to live with Pitootie was unknown , to everyone. Even the author. Pitootie often locked mellissa in the dishwasher, where Mellissa's only friends, the dishwasher monkeys, lived. Pitootie failed to ever turn on the dish washer because she simply couldn't find the switch.  
One Day Mellissa was left in the dishwasher extra long, unusually long. "Man, I wish I was locked in a room full of wild pink ponies!" and then Mellissa was zapped to a room with wild pink ponies. And then she began to pick her nose. ---------------O-----------------------------O------------------------------ O---------------------  
  
After being attacked by several wild ponies, Mellissa returned to her house. She noticed that there were owls everywhere. She could hear Pitootie calling her, but she stopped to pet an owl. It bit off her finger. So she picked her nose. With her other finger.  
Weeks went by and the house became more and more populated by owls. There were owls in the bathroom, owls in the kitchen, owls everywhere you looked. Finally Pitootie moved them into a split level trailer out in the middle of a swamp. This split level was unknown to any civilization...anywhere..  
It was a cold rainy night , the night of Melissa's birthday. Melissa was picking her nose. As usual. Suddenly, there was a faint tapping noise on the door. Melissa got up to answer it while picking her nose. She looked really attractive.  
She opened the door and saw nothing. So she closed the door. Then she opened it again. Fascinated by the door, she repeated this for a while until she paused to pick her nose.  
All of the sudden a tiny creature flew up into the air and latched on to her face. Melissa swung him around, and cried for help. But no one came. Finally, she managed to fling the midget off.  
The little fellow jumped up, brushed himself off, and began to mumble something in Elvish. Of course, being this a parody of Harry Potter, and the fact that Melissa was an American who has never read the Hobbit before, Melissa could not understand him.  
And with that, Melissa walked away. But the little guy just kept following her, and wouldn't stop screaming in Elvish. So, in frustration, Melissa began to pick her nose.  
'Now if only he would leave me alone!' she thought.  
She got so sick of it that she picked him up and hurled him across the room, knocking the poor fellow unconscious. And she did as most people in her case would do. She sat on him.  
"WHAT'S ALL THIS NOISE?!?!?" screamed Pitootie, who hurled herself down the stairs.  
"NOTHING!" screamed Melissa as she got up off her nice little seat and slammed the door of the house.  
"WELL GO DO SOMETHING, GO GATHER WOOD FOR YOUR DINNER," screamed Pitootie back.  
"There shouldn't have been a comma there, " mumbled Melissa, "there should have been an exclamation point."  
So Melissa sat for a while, wiping boogars on the little man, then went to gather wood for dinner.  
  
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A/N : Hey, tell me how you liked it please! Did it make ya laugh? R&R BABY! *winks* please and thank you! ^_^ 


	2. Letter From Turtlezits

A/N: Isn't it great that I have ch.2 posted up just as fast as ch. 1?!?!? Yeah I thought so..well since I just posted ch. 1 ..im not going to complain about people not reviewing my work..yet..*evil laughter*  
  
Disclaimer: *oink* as you have read in previous stories I do not own myself. Arnold does. Yes, the russian midget in my head... *bobs*  
  
Additional note: If you're wondering why everyone is bobbing you'll like find out in the like.. Fourth chapter or something. and yes im going to get to the point of it..soon..  
  
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While Melissa was gathering her wood for dinner, she thought long and hard. Then it clicked. Her socks were black because she burnt them while cooking her dinner last time.  
So Melissa gathered up her wood, and skipped back home singing the lyrics to her favorite song, "Hamster Tree".  
  
**************************Meanwhile back at the house********************************  
  
"Oh! Fredrick darling! Where did that toddler-size footrest come from? It complements the living room very well! Very well indeed!" squealed Pitootie.  
"Why, I don't believe I've seen it before, but you're right! It does match well with the other furniture!" cried Melissa's stepdad, Fredrick, walking over to the dwarf and sitting on him. "Rather lumpy though. Oh well. Pitootie, maybe you could take it out and beat it to get all the lumps out, eh?"  
And then Melissa's stepparents burst out into singing a chorus of the Canadian national anthem, and dancing without really knowing why.  
  
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"..now I have a cuddly fruit!"  
Once she finished singing and skipping, Melissa piled all the wood into, well, a pile. Then she ran inside to grab the lighter.  
Upon arriving inside, unaware of the sight of Pitootie attempting to do a Canadian jig, she noticed one thing in particular... the dwarf was missing.  
'Uh~oh! This isnt good!' she thought, and ran right up to her step- parent's rooms.  
When she got up there, she noticed something, the dwarf was standing right in front of her. She looked at him and he looked at her. They both shared a very unemotional stare for about 3 hours. Then Melissa began to poke her lip.  
The dwarf cocked an eyebrow than once again, began shouting in elvish. Melissa walked away from him, then finally hurled him across the room, creating a cartoon-like red bump on the top of his head. This bump would not stop getting bigger, that it got to the point that Melissa thought he was a life-size garden knome.  
Melissa finally thought. She walked over to the unconscious kno-DWARF and began to dig through his pockets. Inside she found a letter addressed to her, a map of the swamp they lived in, a mysterious-looking ring, and tickets to a packers' game.  
She wondered what all this meant.  
"What does all this mean?" she said aloud.  
She looked at the letter that was addressed to her. She opened it. It read:  
  
~ TURTLEZITS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY~  
Headmistress: Christine Dumbledore  
(sister of famous Albus Dumbledore, Order of Merlin, First Class, Intl. Fed. Of Wizards.)  
Dear Miss Botts,  
We are delighted to inform you that you have been accepted at Turtlezits School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please look at an enclosed list of all supplies you may need.  
Term begins Sept. 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.  
Sincerely,  
Jupito Jeners,  
Deputy Headmaster  
  
Melissa was rather confused. She wasn't aware that there was a school like that. She shrugged it off and went back to rooting through the dwarf's stuff.  
  
....................................  
  
Suddenly, a knock at the door interrupted Pitootie and her strange looking excuse for a jig.  
She just stared at the door. Just stared.  
Fredrick stopped what he was doing too. And joined his wife in her staring at the door.  
Finally they heard a sigh coming from the other side, then a loud 'HEE-YA!' , and the door was in pieces before them.  
In the door way was a very, very tall woman. The Pursleys had seen her before, they just didn't remember where.  
"'ere is Mely? I gots 'omething to ell 'er!" said the woman.  
The Pursley's just stood there in shock. Who did this woman think she was?  
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?" screamed Fredrick  
"Yes, c-c-coming into o-our house l-like this," added Pitootie.  
The large woman cracked her knuckles, and that was enough for Pitootie. ....................................  
  
'MELISSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Pitootie, "GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!"  
  
"Gosh, what did I do this time, actually burn the house down?" muttered Melissa. She marched down the stairs and stared at Pitootie.  
"What ...do ..you.want?!" she snapped.  
"'ello! Mely!" screamed a rather large woman standing in the door- less doorway.  
"Who are you? How do you know my name?" asked Melissa.  
" I am Madonna. And you are a young witch, Melissa," replied the large woman, getting rid of her fake accent.  
"Madonna? Who's that?" asked Melissa.  
Madonna sighed and went to try to sit on the couch, it collapsing under her weight.  
"Young, Melissa. You must listen too me. I have forgotten why we left you here with the Pursleys. But I have come to you today to tell you that you're a witch. And I am to immeadiatly escort you to Diagonal Alley, where we will buy your school supplies."  
Melissa shot Pitootie an evil glare for no apparent reason. "OKAY!" screamed Melissa, and she began to power walk out the door.  
"But, wait! You cant take our precious Melissa!" screamed Pitootie.  
Hearing this Madonna shoved a very nice legal document in Pitootie's face. "This says that I am now Melissa's legal guardian! Good day!"  
"Wow," said Fredrick, " that's a really nice legal document"  
"And now," said Pitootie grabbing the document, " it's really nice fishwrap."  
And Pitootie slapped down a handful of salmon, which she produced from her left nostril.  
"May it be fishwrap, or may it be a legal document stating my claims to Melissa, I am now Melissa Kristen Botts, legal guardian. GOOD DAY!" stated Madonna who quickly left and ran after Melissa.  
  
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A/n: PLEASE PLEASE READ N REVIEW!!!!!!!! 


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